A Story about Love- A loss but a better gain

So I’ve recently been through the ugly process of a breakup. You know, the rollercoaster emotions, tears, flash backs of all the good times, outbursts of “I’m doing just fine without him, I’m a strong independent woman!” to “I can’t live without him, I want him back” yeah that process….It wasn’t fun, believe me.

God only knows why I’ve found it so hard, I couldn’t quite be myself around him anyway! I was constantly walking on egg shells afraid to piss him off. He used to speak down at me in a belittling way, always feeling the need to correct me, prove me wrong, or find something to disagree with whenever I spoke. I wasn’t even allowed to be affectionate with him as he “doesn’t do affection”. So at night we would lay side by side under the covers, no cuddles or goodnight kiss. The only affection I got from him was sex and even then we usually had our eyes closed… I think it’s fair to say I felt alone in his company.

Looking back now I realise that for me the relationship wasn’t even about being in love or enjoying his company, it was about seeking his approval. I so desperately wanted to him to see the good in me, I wanted him to think I was pretty, cool, smart, funny and independent. The never ending comments about what I wasn’t so good at or suggestions about changing myself made me feel I had something to prove. My relationship became all about me improving myself to suit him!

Anyway I kept having to reassure myself that the pain of this breakup is only temporary. Looking back I don’t still mope around about my x-x boyfriends because time heals… it’s just doing the time that hurts!  And there will be moments of weakness, like having to watch game of thrones alone and not have someone to moan about your day to or a thunder buddy to protect you. But I’d rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel small.

Looking back I don’t actually regret they relationship. In fact I’m grateful for the experience because by reaching rock bottom, being stripped of my confidence and robbed of my self-worth the only way I could go from there was up.  I used my weakness as motivation to give me strength. Now I’m in a stronger position, having my confidence back stronger than it was before I even met him. I’ve learnt independence, self-respect, and how to walk away from a situation that doesn’t serve me any good.

I guess I owe that guy, he taught me a lot (and not just what to avoid in the future). No loss here, just the beautiful gain of a lesson learnt.

In every experience is a hidden treasure.

Carly Alexandra x

 

Category : anxiety, blog, breakups, depression, heart break, heartache, hurt, journal, love, reality, relationships, strength, times heals, truth, writing
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